I’m Tired of Laziness

I successfully got myself out of bed this morning

I mean

An embarrassing number of alarms had to go off before I did

Over a 40 minute stretch of time no less

and yes I set every single one the night before

But I did it! I got out of bed.

I’ll consider it a win

You know what’s worse?

I’m a morning person!

That’s the thing with morning people

we’re not perfect

We have bad days too


in my case

but look

I’ve not simply fallen into a lack of discipline from the moment my sweet green head popped out the mothership bangin’ to some extraterrestrial tunes

To be precise

I fell out the mothership

and just because I’m an extraterrestrial doesn’t mean I can fly so

Unless you’re Shaquille O’Neal

I’m fairly certain he’s an alien

who can fly or at the very least hover for a considerable time

So I fell out the mothership

At the mercy of the harrowing laws of the universe

I plummet directly through a whispy cloud of self discipline,

And I land squarely face first on the hard unforgiving cement of “hmm, maybe I should do that”


Just listen

All I’m saying is

If you ever find yourself on an alien planet, inquire about:

– Pharmacies

– Disgruntled Doctors and the ease of getting prescriptions

– aaand over-achieving psychiatrists

We’re not alone

I’m sure aliens struggle with laziness too

But I’ve not simply discovered my own sloth

You think I simply write about doing nothing

and not feeling like I can do anything?


You think all I am doing right now is writing about doing nothing?

Cause I do that all the time

literally constantly

But no

no no

my frightening alien origin-story-esque descent bequeathed unto me the force of a suped-up drilling rig

And I plowed

Oh yes

I plowed beyond that cement of indifference and what did I find?!

Meta oil


Let me explain

I’m not simply lacking in motivation

I also…

know about it.

Self-aware, baby!

This entire article was building up to that moment, and I really thought it would be less anticlimactic

It’s really not that impressive now that I say it


Now I can (hypothetically?) justify my actions and have a bit of comfort in some good quality of mine

I’m at the center of the earth and I don’t care

That is

I don’t care about anything except my indifference

Yeah that’s right

I just claimed that shocking moral high ground

But Look

Im just saying

If a self-aware laziness is the first step to a better me,

Then I dwarf Shaq in leg span

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