i am okay with my existence

So I was talking to my friend the other day

well

she was talking

I was…

there

I wouldn’t say I was listening

But I suppose I was doing something approximating it

And she decided to wrap up her little life synopsis with

“Ryan,

I am okay with my existence”

This is a sentiment I can appreciate

I knew that she, like me, had confronted the emptiness of life

and it had, and does,

– like it has been doing with me –

force her into a continual process of coming to terms with what it is to be

To live is to drift

and whether you feel that your drift consists of the mundane routine within which you’ve found yourself regrettably trapped

or if your drift truly consists of an acute nothingness

If you feel the drift at all,

then you also have faced the choice that my dear friend made

To be okay with your existence

To be at peace with

with what

the way the world spins

the way the plants grow

the way we don’t know

the way the end begins

?

I know that the nuances of my own existence are largely inertial

The times that I am doing nothing

are the times that I wish to do nothing

though typically those aren’t happy times

less of a wish and more of a scream

or just really intense pouting

because laying down is how I run away fastest

And the times that I am doing things

I wish to do things.

This is consistently true, though obviously not always true without fail

But as a general rule, action and meditation must work together

if they are not balanced,

drift.

I keep reminding myself to be shrewd about my desires.

Greatness has little to do with size

And little do we know

The big for which we grasp

Only tricks us to let go

Of the little that we have.

Before the eyes wander to the ranges below the horizon,

let them first set upon the hills which you traverse.

And don’t write flowery poetry a lot cause I can’t handle too much of that crap

geez


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